Any suggestions?

I’ve got a real problem here. Tomorrow is my sister Lynda’s *0th birthday and I’ve been invited to lunch (and I HAVE to go).

What’s the problem? Well she recently moved from the swine flu-free, leafy eastern suburbs of Melbourne to … the WESTERN side !!!

I’m taking a face mask, but what other precautions should I take?

Assassination threat?

“May Obama follow in the footsteps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy.”

The above words that appeared in a north-west Pennsylvania (USA) newspaper under the ‘personal’ classified ads have been deemed to be “implicitly calling for the assassination of US President Barack Obama”.  But I’m not sure they do.

According to this ABC news report, the Warren Times Observer, with a circulation of about 11,000, ran the ad in Thursday’s paper but have since apologised and referred the name of the person who placed the ad to local police, who have notified the Secret Service. A Secret Service spokesperson says they are taking it seriously.

I’m certainly not defending the miscreant who placed the ad but I think the whole thing might be an over-reaction. What the author is saying is this: “I hope Obama gets assassinated”. And while that’s a crap thing to wish on anyone, it’s certainly not a threat.

The Ashes

Wah's Ashes 'lessons' are now essential reading in all schools.

Every 4 years or so Australia sends a team of infiltrators back to the ‘motherland’ just to show the British that we really don’t need the Queen to be our head of State.

Unfortunately in the last series over there in 2005 we were undermined by direct orders from the then Prime Minister of Australia - the hell bent monarchist John Howard - who threatened to throw the entire team into the Nauru detention centre on their return home unless they dropped the ball and handed the Ashes back to the Poms, which is exactly what Captain Poncy did in the first Test by winning the toss but deciding to bat on a wet wicket, or something like that.

We never really recovered from that first day and even though we pretended to ‘put up a good fight’, we went down narrowly in the end and thus the boys were allowed back home.

Anyway, the point of this post is to direct you to a brilliant series of blogs by Club Wah

Exocet missile required

The Pacific Dawn 'swine flu' cruise ship. Just blow it up.

 Swine flu hits the north east. About 20 cases of swine flu have now been detected in this region – in Berrigan, Beechworth & Mansfield. In all cases the ‘victims’ were either passengers from the Pacific Dawn or had contact with other passengers. Why did they ever let it dock? PS: Those towns are nowhere near Bright!

AFL round 10 ‘expert’ tips

All Collingwood fans must wear this specially designed flu mask at this week's game.

It’s the ’non-event’ round

Have a look at the draw this week. If you can get excited about any of the 8 games that are on you’re probably the type who gets excited whenever you open a fresh packet of Cornflakes or when it’s your turn to take the rubbish out. I’m predicting the attendances will be well down this week due to (a) lack of interest and (b) the swine flu ‘scare’ (in that order). Perhaps the AFL should relax its drug testing this week because I think the players could be excused for taking “stimulants” in such a boring round.

Here are my (non substance-induced) ‘expert’ tips in RED. Baldrick’s contribution follows, in BLUE:

AFL drug cheats

The news that there were 12 failed drug tests in the AFL last year  including two players testing positive twice - bringing the number of players on two strikes to seven - comes as no surprise. But why has it taken them so long to announce LAST YEAR’S results?

This time, the 12 failed tests are made up of the following types: eight stimulants, three cannabinoids and one mixed. The results do not tell us what type of drugs those testing positive twice were on but if (as seems likely) it’s stimulants, then that just proves that the AFL’s ’three strikes’ policy is wrong.

Why is the AFL protecting players who take stimulants, i.e. performance enhancing drugs? That’s outright cheating and in any fair system a player detected taking stimulants should be named, shamed and suspended after the very first positive test. It happens in most other elite sports so why not the AFL?

But I’ve got no idea which (recently) high achieving team might have the most drug cheats, have you?

They’re back

Where is a good dose of swine flu when you need it?

Dear God,

What have we done to deserve this?

Is this the best we can serve up in terms of TV comedy, a bunch of overgrown kids masquerading as ‘pranksters’ pulling stunts that are so bloody obvious that even the recipients are hardly moved by the ‘joke’ being played on them?

In all the years the Chasers has been running I’m yet to see one single thing they’ve done that’s original and humorous. Someone shoot them please.

Alpine & Brimbank ~ what’s the difference?

Newly created $70,000 council job goes to Bright’s footy coach

To fit the bill you will have a demonstrable successful business history, be commercially astute, analytical, ambitious, energetic, entrepreneurial and profit conscious. Your experience will show your ability to develop and execute strategy in retail operations, provide strong leadership and understand the key drivers of what makes a retailer successful in the tourism industry ~ job criteria from Alpine council’s advertisement.  

The Alpine council has appointed the playing coach of the Bright football team, Jason Sharp, to a newly created position as business manager Visitor Information Centres. Mr Sharp was previously the proprietor of the small Bright Foodworks supermarket that he recently closed down citing the ‘Global Financial Crisis’ as the reason for its failure.

Adios Sol

"They called me names".

Don’t call us backward racists … you Mexican swine !

Former Telstra boss Sol Trujillo can complain as much as he likes  about Australians being racist and backwards for taking pot shots at his Mexican heritage. He’s partially right of course, but what Sol doesn’t get is this:

If you look like he does and you are appointed as CEO of a company as big and important as Telstra is in Australia, and then you proceed to rip off something like $50 million in wages & bonuses for yourself over a few years while at the same time shedding thousands of  jobs, providing no returns to speak of for your shareholders and bugger all service to the public, then guess what?

We’re going to label you a piece of Mexican filth all day long!

Harden up Sol, you are (or were) a public figure and that means you’re fair game and the normal courtesies that most of us extend to our visitors and new arrivals don’t apply to dickheads like you.

Open thread ~ Questions for Julie

Following on from my last post ‘An invitation’, it seems I’m being egged on to accept Sophie Mirabella’s invitation to a ‘Breakfast with Julie Bishop’ at the High Country Inn, Bright on June 11.

Well OK, if I’m going to accept, pay the $40 and report back on Bright’s ‘breakfast of the year’ I think I better go along armed with a few pertinent questions for the Deputy Leader of the Opposition, the Hon Julie Bishop.

I’ve got a few ideas on what to ask her (like, “Is it possible, just possible, that Julia Gillard might put you and Health Minister Nicola Roxon in touch with her partner/hairdresser whatshisname? I think he could fix that for the two of you.), but I’d like your help.

So please, what should I ask ‘the hairdo’ at the ‘breakfast with champions’ gig?

An invitation

This arrived by 'special delivery' in a nice crisp white envelope with a sticker on it that read, 'An invitation'.

You get the strangest things in the mail

I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve this.

Maybe Sophie really likes me - and all the ‘very nice’ things I say about her - and wants to show me off to her senior colleagues. Or maybe everyone else in Bright also received one of these ‘special invitations’.

Anyway, I think they might struggle to fill the room. The main guest is not exactly ‘the sharpest pencil in the box’:

AFL round 9 ‘Round-up’

Who feels sorry for the club that cheated the system for 20 years? Not me.

If I were a betting man I would have cleaned up pretty well in round 9.  

How Carlton started a clear favourite to beat Adelaide in Adelaide, in what was Andrew McLeod’s recording-breaking game – and indigenous round!  – is beyond me. I reckon it was one of the biggest certainties of the year that the over-rated and hopeless-on-the-road Blues would get rolled big time, yet hardly anyone picked it. 

Same goes for the West Coast v Collingwood game, but in reverse. The Pies have a history of pulling off big interstate wins when it’s least expected and I reckon they were a certainty too. My only stuff-up this week was picking Pt Adelaide to beat Sydney at the SCG, which just goes to prove that even an ‘expert’ can get it wrong.

Tipping results: Ray 7, Baldrick 6. Year to date: Ray 49, Baldrick 50.

Here’s my ‘expert’ round up of the weekend’s games: 

Did Johno panic?

"Aw ... shit!"

I suppose we should feel sorry for Bulldogs’ veteran Brad Johnson, who last night missed a shot at goal from close range (but on a very tight angle) after the siren, that would have given his side a stunning victory over the undefeated flag favourites Geelong. It’s the 2nd such incident involving Johnson in 12 months. Last year he missed a much easier shot after the siren that would have won the game against Nth Melbourne.

Swine flu PANDEMIC

UPDATE 27 May 2009: Eight more Victorians were confirmed as having the virus. The cases are a 32-year-old man and seven children aged between six and 18, all of whom live in Melbourne’s northern and western suburbs. But authorities say it’s “No big deal” because it’s not yet south of the Yarra.

The Federal Government's new fridge magnet.

Hands off the footy, Roxon

Federal Health Minister Nicola Roxon has gone too far. OK, thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen twenty fifty one over 100 200 cases of swine flu (mostly half in Victoria) is not good, but it does not (quite) a (serious) pandemic make. And it certainly doesn’t warrant her making this threat:

 She warned of extreme measures if the virus spread, such as cancelling football matches, closing schools and childcare centres, and ordering workers to stay home.

Although I do agree with her that included in those most at risk were “the grossly obese”, and I recommend that all the fat people be rounded up and kept out of sight … forever.

Open thread

I’m tired of trying to entertain you lot out there, so now it’s your turn to entertain me. More & more I’m finding that blogging is a very thankless task so I’m gunna give it a rest for the rest of the day and hand this site over to you. Go for it. Say whatever you like (*) about whatever you like. Talk in Twitter gibberish if you want, abuse me, insult me, be as outrageous as you like. Slander me, slander everyone you can think of. And, of course .. do it anonymously if you wish!

Just click on comments below, or HERE and you’re in.

* There’s just one rule: I accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for what is said here over the next 12 hours – I won’t be checking in during that time so I can’t be held liable for what I haven’t had a chance to moderate.